Toxic work environment

Well, I guess it was my turn. I got to have my day with the toxic coworker.

It came out of nowhere to be honest. I was LITERALLY just sitting there working on the inpatient list and behind me I hear:

“F*ucking lazy nurses” and “nurses never get off their lazy @ssess” and my personal fave, “they are delaying patient care!”

Now, this is coming from one of the supervisors. I am fuming! However, instead of leadership stopping this behavior from continuing I was told to keep calm and just ignore it.

Now if at this point you are glaring at your screen like, “WTF?”, I am pretty sure I had the same look at that moment.

I decided to go up my chain of command and apparently it went up their chain as well. I mean, did this person really think I was going to let them say such disrespectful things and not say anything? Apparently, they did.

So now there is this toxic work environment once the shift changes. The awkwardness is palpable. Communication between the nurses and the technologists changes. There is still hostility that can be felt. Unfortunately, a lot of the vibe change is spurred on by the supervisor that started all this . I have been told that this person rolls their eyes when I am walking away. They avoid speaking to me. They refuse eye contact. In a sense, they avoid me at all costs.

Honestly, I don’t understand why we are dragging this on. Toxicity benefits no one. It leads to an “us vs them” type of feeling. I am hoping as time goes by the toxic feeling will begin to leave our department. It is hard to work in a truly toxic work environment. A department can’t function like that for very long. We can either rise above or get sucked in and weighed down. I think there are enough of us there that will fight to rise above it… at least I hope so.

The frustration with University of Facebook

I’ve seen it. You’ve seen it.

The posts FULL of misinformation about COVID: who is most affected, how it’s spread, magical yet TOTALLY UNSUBSTANTIATED treatments, it’s enough to make a nurse want to flip a table!

I let go of Facebook years ago because of the stuff I would see on my time line. People seem to think that if someone says that someone major said it, it must be true! They offer no evidence, no background information, no research data, just whatever they think is true. And goodness, do NOT try to provide evidenced based information about why what they said isn’t true, then you’re a “sheep” or you’re gullible.

Think about that: you’re gullible for looking up evidence, but they aren’t gullible for placing their faith in a Facebook post.

That’s where we are now, folks.

To all my nurses and other medical professionals, if your education is falling on deaf ears, let it go. You have done what you can do. Don’t waste your time arguing with people on so I media about how unsafe their posts are. It’s not worth it. Your sanity, however, is very worth it. Continue to be safe for yourself and continue to institute measures to keep your family safe. That’s your priority.

Have any of you seen something online that made you want to scream?

Exhausted

Does anyone come home exhausted from work? Not just physically exhausted but emotionally exhausted.

It feels like I pulled a 24 hour shift when I get home. I’m so tired, all I want to do is retreat from the world and sleep. Between the constant news about COVID 19, people refusing to wear masks, new outbreaks in states, more unarmed black people being murdered by cops, “Karen’s” throwing fits and calling the cops for nothing, children being caught in the crossfire of shootings, it’s all too much for me.

It feels like I’m overwhelmed all the time. I feel weighed down a lot.

So I decided to turn off the news, stay off social media, talk to my therapist, watch my nerd shows, and play my switch.

I am doing the things that help me relax and release the stress. I have a habit of carrying way too much weight on my shoulders. If I don’t let go, I just end up exhausted to the core.

How are you feeling? How do you release the stress?

Struggling

I’m struggling. This pathopharmacology class is killing me. I have no interest in it so it’s hard for me to focus on it. I’ve been procrastinating terribly. I can’t seem to make myself write the essay that I need to complete the class.

I can’t focus.

I am so aggravated with myself for not being able to just get this class done. I hate that I am in this funk and I’m starting to feel guilty and depressed.

I’ve got to focus. I’ve got to sit down and make sh*t happen!

I’m hoping I can get over this hump…

Guilt

I’m on school break and restart October 1st.

I didn’t have to take a break because of life events or anything like that. I am on term break until classes restart. I finished my 4 classes for the first term and had 5 weeks left until next term starts. If I had finished my last class a little earlier I would have had 6 weeks left which would have been enough time to add in another class. Since there, technically wasn’t enough time left, my advisor told me to take a break until the next term starts.

OK, cool, I earned a break…

Yet I feel guilty… Anxious. I feel like I should be doing something school related right now. I feel like I should be logging in to see if I can get the requirements for the next class. Not doing something school related makes me feel guilty.

I shouldn’t feel like this. I know that. However, I’ve been a full-time nurse and full-time student for so long that I don’t know what to do with free time. I’ve been playing Final Fantasy, enjoying friends, I even picked back up on learning how to knit. Yet I still feel this anxiety about school. My mind keeps telling me I am wasting my time and should be doing something, anything related to school… EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NOTHING I CAN ACTUALLY DO!

I hate that I have used school and work to occupy my time for so long that I feel guilt about free time. That’s not fair to me… And now you see why I’m in therapy…

No days off

Have you ever encountered this particular situation,

Them: “Hey, when are you off again?”

You: “Well I am off tomorrow but I…”

Them: “Oh good because I need you to…”

Or my other personal favorite,

Them: “How are you doing?”

You: “Whew, I am worn out! It’s been a long week!”

Them: “How are you always tired, you only work three days a week!!!” 

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!

Let’s start with the fact that nurses work with people every day we are at work. PEOPLE. Like, human beings… HAVE YOU SEEN OUR SPECIES??? We deal with emotional outbursts, insults, violence, unrealistic expectations, death, etc. ON A DAILY BASIS! It’s not just 3 days, or 4 days, or 5 days, or whatever schedule that we work. It’s the emotional baggage we deal with on days off. It’s wondering if you could have saved that patient if you had done one thing differently. It’s trying to figure out why this one nurse hates you. It’s sitting at home thinking about the child abuse victim that you know will be given back to their parents. It’s thinking about the insults the doctor hurled at you because you weren’t moving fast enough. It’s class assignments due at midnight. It’s the kids having soccer, baseball, and basketball practice the couple of days you have off. It’s 3 weeks of laundry that still needs to be done. It’s a house that desperately needs cleaning because you haven’t had time. It’s never having an inkling of downtime.

It’s constantly feeling like you are walking on a razor-thin edge between success and insanity.

It’s stressful.

The last thing we need is to be made to feel guilty because we are too tired to hang out or because we don’t have time to be someone’s personal errand-runner.

Your days off belong to you. Every single one of them. You deserve to power down. You deserve to do NOTHING if that is what you want to do. You aren’t being “lazy”. You are trying to maintain your sanity. You are not wrong for turning down a night out on the town. You are not wrong for telling someone “no” when they start to come up with your schedule for your day(s) off for you. You are not wrong for shutting out the world temporarily if you need to. You take care of so many people, you deserve to take care of yourself. Nurse yourself back to health. Take your days off and do whatever the hell you want with them.

A nurse that doesn’t take care of themselves can’t effectively take care of others.

 

 

Stress

I am about to start school. Another one of my coworkers is about to start clinicals for her NP. Another coworker is about to start her NP program. Needless to say, we are all stressed. At least I’m not alone, right?

I decided, however, I’m not going to let myself break under the stress of school and work. I am going to make sure I have some kind of kind outlet.

The first time I went to nursing school my friends and I would go out as a way to celebrate completing a semester. We would dance and let loose. It helped, it gave us a little something to look forward to. When I went back for my BSN my brother would notice I was stressed and drag me to Starbucks or Barnes and Noble (two of my favorite places) to have a moment of of the house. He would also make me do my studying there where there were no distractions (like the TV 😐) to steal my attention. It worked.

So now I’m trying to figure out what my de-stress plan will be for this go round. I know I’ll be doing the “out of house” studying. I think it may be time to bring back the end of semester party night as well! I just know I can’t let myself break under pressure. I’ve got to figure out what my self care will be for this experience…

A new thing

So I’m trying something new for health reasons.

Actually, I’m closing out my fifth week of it.

I removed meat from my diet.

My blood pressure the last few times has been borderline hypertensive. My weight is higher than it really needs to be. I always felt sluggish after eating a meal with a lot of meat. I also felt like it took so long for me to digest.

I know I wasn’t eating the right proportions of meat to vegetables. My meals were always meat-heavy. So I made a conscious decision to just cut it out all together and leafn how to eat the veggies I so often avoided.

My pressure is down closer to normal the last time it was checked. I lost about 3 pounds. One thing I wasn’t prepared for was how often I’m in the bathroom! Fiber, man, fiber! But I can honestly say I do feel better. I have no idea how long I’m going to keep this up. So far I’m not missing meat. I do wish veggie bacon tasted better though. Either way, let’s see how long this lasts…

Disconnect

Have you ever had one of those shifts that you take home with you?

You know the one… Maybe a patient died despite you giving your everything yet you still feel like you could have done more. Maybe you stood up for what was right and got belittled by the doctor anyway. It’s one of those shifts that just doesn’t go away when you clock out and leave. How do you disconnect from those shifts?

What do you do to not let shifts like that drag you under? How do you keep it together and stay sane?

Being in the department I am in now, I haven’t had one of those shifts in a while. I can still remember having those shifts while I worked in the ICU though. In fact, I still can’t listen to “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten. I can still see the mother of the patient holding the phone to her 16 year old daughter’s ear. I can hear the song playing from the room. I can remember how heavy my heart felt knowing how hard her mother wanted her to fight. I remember how much it hurt to know her child’s injury was so severe that she would not survive.

Things like that stick with you.

Over the years there have been many shifts that I have taken home. There were shifts that almost broke me. It wasn’t until years into my nursing career that I learned how to disconnect… And not feel guilty about it. That was the other thing, I felt guilty about turning “it” off. I felt like when I tried to leave work at work I was not being a “caring” nurse. I felt like I was being cold and heartless. I had to learn that in order to continue to be a caring nurse, I had to mentally and emotionally take care of myself first. I couldn’t give from an empty vessel. I had to really practice some self care.

So now, I read. I write. I go jogging. I cook. And for the love of all things good, I use my PTO! I’m taking time off dammit! I may not go on vacation but I am a full believer in the “staycation”.

What do you do to keep yourself sane?

Nursing and mental health

Nursing and mental health go hand and hand. Nursing is hard. Nursing is hard not just physically but emotionally. We hold everything in because we are the ones that are supposed to help. We heal. We often forget that we can sometimes be the ones that need healing.

I was diagnosed with depression years ago, years before I became a nurse. I was placed on meds that I no longer take, I’ll explain why later on. Nursing school didn’t help, it just kept me so busy that I couldn’t take a moment to acknowledge the depression. Nursing, especially in a hospital that I hated, added anxiety attacks to the picture. I would wake up at night in a panic without being able to pinpoint why. That made me feel worse. I felt like an idiot for panicking over nothing, which made me hate myself even more. It was a downward spiral.

Before nursing school, when I first voiced suicidal ideation, my parents sent me to therapy. That is when I first received the diagnosis of depression (my mother died when I was 16, I watched her take her last breaths, I shut down big time). I was placed on trazodone and Zoloft. I hated it. I went from feeling depressed to feeling nothing at all. So I stopped taking both of them (don’t be like me) and instead stuck to therapy. It worked for me. She helped me come up with other ways to manage my mental illness. It worked for quite a while. Then enter nursing school and full-time nursing. I ended up back in therapy but due to my schedule I just couldn’t keep up with it. Hey, I’m a nurse, I can figure this out on my own. I’m tough. I’m a fixer. I’m a healer. I help everyone else so why can’t I help myself?

I am my own worst enemy.

I wear a smile for my patients and my coworkers. I am happy Fred the nurse. I’ve got a smile and a joke. My patients love me. My coworkers love me. Everyone believes I am ok. I look like I’m ok. I also spend most of my off days sleeping, I’m talking 12-13 hours. I don’t want to leave the house unless it’s to get food. I isolate myself from my friends, my brother is my roommate and he may not see me the whole day. I have dark thoughts that I know I should not be having. I wake up with my heart pounding feeling like some unknown thing is wrong and if I don’t fix it the world will implode. I am Fred the nurse and I have depression. I am Fred the nurse and I am not strong enough to battle this alone. I am Fred the nurse and I am strong enough to know that I need therapy again. I am Fred the nurse and I will get out of my own way. I am Fred the nurse and I will be ok.