How are you doing?

Those of us in the medical field wearing down. It’s been *GO GO GO!* for so long now that we are starting to run out of steam.

We only have so much to give and we are giving our all. I know we are supposed to be #NurseStrong and all, but this pandemic is really testing our strength.

Now more that ever we need to be checking on each other. If your coworker seems different or they may have lost that smile that they’ve always had, take a moment to check on them. They may talk to you or they may not, at least you made an effort to check-in.

Some people are very reserved about how they are feeling *raises hand* and keep everything in because they may feel they can fix it themselves, or they may have had their trust broken by someone they previously confided in, ask anyway. Or it may be the total opposite and the coworker breaks down in front of you because they have been waiting for someone to ask if they are ok. The coworker may not breakdown but opens up about how they are truly feeling. Just know that checking up on someone shows you care.

In the medical field, we need each other. This is going to be a long fight and we have to make sure each of us can make it to the finish line. Things are tough for us right now but we can give each other the strength to survive this.

Guinea pig

After all of that worrying, I have gotten the COVID vaccine.

I did research for weeks, printed out article after article, read whatever I could on the CDC website, and talked to my co-workers that have gotten the shot.

I am being the guinea pig for my family. My family (as was I) has been distrustful of the vaccine. I decided I would be the first and let them know how it has been. I want to do my part in trying to get this pandemic under control. Once I get the second vaccine done I will discuss with my family about getting theirs as well.

I am trusting the science. I am trying to be a good role model for my family, and hopefully others in the black community, to follow. I’m trying to do the right thing.

The vaccine is here, why I haven’t gotten it yet…

Two vaccines have arrived to help with this COVID outbreak, one from Pfizer and one from Moderna. I have signed up for neither.

I know as a nurse I should be one of the first to get out there and get vaccinated. However, I still have questions that I needed answers for and only recently have I starting finding the answers. I wanted to know more about side effects, how many participated in the studies, how is the vaccine supposed to work?

There is also one other thing that has been holding me back; I am black and I have an inherent distrust of the medical system, the very system I am a part of as a nurse. Learning about things such as the “Tuskegee experiment”, seeing how many times the healthcare system has failed black women, seeing in person how implicit bias plays a role in how medical professionals treat people of color, realizing that there was only a small amount of people of color (9.8%) were actually in the Pfizer study, all make me wary.

I want to trust the science behind the vaccine. I want to trust the medical system. I want to believe in the potential of finally getting this pandemic under control. I also want to feel safe.

How have we not fixed this yet?

It’s November, why is COVID no where near under control? How is it WORSE? Why are we as a nation not able to wear a mask and wash our damn hands? How are people still claiming it’s not real as people continue to die? Better yet, let’s skip the science and say people can be immune!
Let’s just ignore the nurses and docs, you know the frontline heroes and risk the medical field being so overwhelmed that PPE and ICU space become scarce again.

As a nurse, I’m tired. I’m scared. I’m frustrated. I don’t want to keep seeing the number of COVID deaths increase. I don’t want to see the numbers of positive citizens climbing at a record rate. I’m don’t want to keep getting emails about how many staff members have tested positive. I’m over the phone calls, after the ICU patient has left MRI and gone back to their unit, from some nurse telling us the patient is now positive for COVID and we have been exposed. I’ve had a COVID test, they suck. It should not still be this bad. As the leader of the free world, how have we let it get this bad? Why in God’s name have we let a virus become political?!

HUMAN LIFE IS BEING LOST!!!

Are other medical professionals struggling with this? Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, is anyone else on the frontlines having a hard time too? Feel free to leave a comment with how you’re feeling right now.

Exhausted

Does anyone come home exhausted from work? Not just physically exhausted but emotionally exhausted.

It feels like I pulled a 24 hour shift when I get home. I’m so tired, all I want to do is retreat from the world and sleep. Between the constant news about COVID 19, people refusing to wear masks, new outbreaks in states, more unarmed black people being murdered by cops, “Karen’s” throwing fits and calling the cops for nothing, children being caught in the crossfire of shootings, it’s all too much for me.

It feels like I’m overwhelmed all the time. I feel weighed down a lot.

So I decided to turn off the news, stay off social media, talk to my therapist, watch my nerd shows, and play my switch.

I am doing the things that help me relax and release the stress. I have a habit of carrying way too much weight on my shoulders. If I don’t let go, I just end up exhausted to the core.

How are you feeling? How do you release the stress?

Addiction

Addiction is rough. I witness it with patients everyday.

I encountered a patient with necrosis in the arm and it’s not a small area of necrosis, it’s pretty much the whole forearm.

They still shoot up in that arm.

The addiction is so strong that they are willing to literally risk life and limb for a high.

It’s sad and disturbing.

It makes you realize just how strong addiction is. We in the medical field often blame the patient:

“Why won’t they quit?”

“They obviously don’t care!”

“They should know better!”

“They did this to themselves.”

I’ll admit, I’ve thought that about patients. I’ve been judgmental even when it’s my job not to be. I’ve generalized and stereotyped people.

I am calling myself out for it.

It’s not my place to judge, it’s my job to treat.

It’s not my job to wonder why a person is suffering from addiction, and they are suffering.

It’s not my job to scold and belittle a patient for being addicted.

It is my job to provide the best care I can. It is my job to connect them with substance abuse counseling if they want it. It is my job to provide as much education as possible. It is my job to be their nurse. I’ve got to remember that.

Stop! Rally time!

Monday we had a gun rights rally on the Capitol. It brought back memories…

Bad ones.

I was charge nurse the night of the Charlottesville riot. Some of the people that were hit by the maniac that drove through the crowd were on our unit. Knowing that hatred could drive someone to kill, knowing that an innocent woman died because of hatred, it killed me inside. As a black woman, I know all too well what hatred can do.

I just didn’t want to see it all happen again.

Luckily, the state was prepared this time and declared a “state of emergency” before the rally. This led to increased security and a ban on weapons on Capitol grounds. So far, the rally has not resulted in any injuries. Weapons were out and people were walking around in full tactical gear. That nut job Alex Jones even made an appearance.

No one has been hurt.

That’s what I care about most of all. No one was hurt. Everyone gets to go home and back to whatever “normal” life they have.

As a nurse, rallies, protests, hell even large gatherings have a different meaning to me. I see potential mass casualty. I see potential chaos. I see potential patients.

That day in Charlottesville fundamentally changed me.

Breaking point

It happened.

Grad school pushed me to my breaking point.

I’m talking full on emotional breakdown, anxiety attacks, re-emergence of repetitive behaviors…

It got bad.

For some reason I hit a wall and could not move past it.

I went to work and functioned as if I was ok, however mentally I was losing it!

It all started with one class… Pathopharmacology. Now let’s remember, I’m in school for my masters in nursing education. I was not prepared to cross paths with this class. It hit me like a ton of bricks. The grading rubric was 5 pages long with part “A” consisting of like, 3 of those pages. I hated it. It’s not a class I have ever wanted to take. It did not interest me. I couldn’t retain the information. The paper I turned in was basically a pompous regurgitation of information that no one wants to read.

It sucked.

The sheer weight of the paper that was due gave me anxiety so I procrastinated. The procrastination made me anxious. The anxiety made me procrastinate more. The procrastination gave me anxiety.

It was the feedback loop from Hell.

I almost broke. Quitting actually started to look like a viable option. I was literally in tears thinking about the paper.

It was the beast I could not defeat… or so I thought.

I had to have friends and family really rally around me and offer support to help pull me back from the edge. They managed to get me to take a step back, breathe, and break the monster down into manageable pieces.

I have a great support system, something I don’t acknowledge enough.

After hours of research, coming up with an outline of what was needed, and taking the paper in small chunks, I completed it. I turned in 36 pages of absolutely glorious regurgitated information. It’s what they wanted, so it’s what they got.

I passed the paper and the class.

It was if a 10-ton Boulder was removed from my shoulders. I could finally breathe. I celebrated by drinking wine and playing Final Fantasy Online with my cousin. It was amazing.

I’m now in Health Assessments. It’s at least something I have some familiarity with. I know the advanced practitioner health assessment is far more involved but it’s something I can learn and retain. It’s useful information, I mean I’ll have to teach that to nursing students one day (hopefully). So, I’m nervous about the assessment I have to record. I’m nervous but not panicking. I’m learning to breathe and take things one step at a time. I finally have a plan to move forward. It’s doable.

Alpha-gal syndrome

I learn about new disorders all the time here in MRI. Normally I’ve at least heard the name of the disease or disorder before, or I know a teeny bit about it.

I have never heard of alpha-gal. At least, I’ve never heard the name.

Turns out, I have heard of the disorder before. I had a patient once tell me he was allergic to pork because of a tick bite.

Alpha-gal is a “sugar molecule found in most mammals (except in people, apes, and monkeys)” (CDC.gov, 2019). Turns out there is a tick (lone star tick) that can transmit the molecule in blood from the animal to humans. We humans don’t normally make the molecule but apparently we can make an immune response to it. If we develop an allergy then we can no longer eat meat from cow, pork, rabbit, deer, lamb, essentially the animals work hooves! The odd thing about it, and what makes it kind of hard to diagnose, is the fact that the reaction tends to take place 3-6 hours after the ingestion of meat. It’s hard for a lot of people to make the association between meat and their allergic reactions.

I found a good podcast about the disorder. Lots of information about how it works and the ongoing research around it.

One of the things I realized while looking further into the disease is how important it is to ask your patient about allergies. Alpha-gal is uncommon, however, patients with it can’t have certain medications. Heparin is typically derived from pork. Some insulin is derived from pigs and cows as well. There are quite a few medications that have porcine or bovine derivatives. A nurse would have to make sure to take this into account for their patient with this particular allergy.

Then again, when is the nurse not taking safety into account, right?

Struggling

I’m struggling. This pathopharmacology class is killing me. I have no interest in it so it’s hard for me to focus on it. I’ve been procrastinating terribly. I can’t seem to make myself write the essay that I need to complete the class.

I can’t focus.

I am so aggravated with myself for not being able to just get this class done. I hate that I am in this funk and I’m starting to feel guilty and depressed.

I’ve got to focus. I’ve got to sit down and make sh*t happen!

I’m hoping I can get over this hump…