How are you doing?

Those of us in the medical field wearing down. It’s been *GO GO GO!* for so long now that we are starting to run out of steam.

We only have so much to give and we are giving our all. I know we are supposed to be #NurseStrong and all, but this pandemic is really testing our strength.

Now more that ever we need to be checking on each other. If your coworker seems different or they may have lost that smile that they’ve always had, take a moment to check on them. They may talk to you or they may not, at least you made an effort to check-in.

Some people are very reserved about how they are feeling *raises hand* and keep everything in because they may feel they can fix it themselves, or they may have had their trust broken by someone they previously confided in, ask anyway. Or it may be the total opposite and the coworker breaks down in front of you because they have been waiting for someone to ask if they are ok. The coworker may not breakdown but opens up about how they are truly feeling. Just know that checking up on someone shows you care.

In the medical field, we need each other. This is going to be a long fight and we have to make sure each of us can make it to the finish line. Things are tough for us right now but we can give each other the strength to survive this.

Guinea pig

After all of that worrying, I have gotten the COVID vaccine.

I did research for weeks, printed out article after article, read whatever I could on the CDC website, and talked to my co-workers that have gotten the shot.

I am being the guinea pig for my family. My family (as was I) has been distrustful of the vaccine. I decided I would be the first and let them know how it has been. I want to do my part in trying to get this pandemic under control. Once I get the second vaccine done I will discuss with my family about getting theirs as well.

I am trusting the science. I am trying to be a good role model for my family, and hopefully others in the black community, to follow. I’m trying to do the right thing.

The vaccine is here, why I haven’t gotten it yet…

Two vaccines have arrived to help with this COVID outbreak, one from Pfizer and one from Moderna. I have signed up for neither.

I know as a nurse I should be one of the first to get out there and get vaccinated. However, I still have questions that I needed answers for and only recently have I starting finding the answers. I wanted to know more about side effects, how many participated in the studies, how is the vaccine supposed to work?

There is also one other thing that has been holding me back; I am black and I have an inherent distrust of the medical system, the very system I am a part of as a nurse. Learning about things such as the “Tuskegee experiment”, seeing how many times the healthcare system has failed black women, seeing in person how implicit bias plays a role in how medical professionals treat people of color, realizing that there was only a small amount of people of color (9.8%) were actually in the Pfizer study, all make me wary.

I want to trust the science behind the vaccine. I want to trust the medical system. I want to believe in the potential of finally getting this pandemic under control. I also want to feel safe.

How have we not fixed this yet?

It’s November, why is COVID no where near under control? How is it WORSE? Why are we as a nation not able to wear a mask and wash our damn hands? How are people still claiming it’s not real as people continue to die? Better yet, let’s skip the science and say people can be immune!
Let’s just ignore the nurses and docs, you know the frontline heroes and risk the medical field being so overwhelmed that PPE and ICU space become scarce again.

As a nurse, I’m tired. I’m scared. I’m frustrated. I don’t want to keep seeing the number of COVID deaths increase. I don’t want to see the numbers of positive citizens climbing at a record rate. I’m don’t want to keep getting emails about how many staff members have tested positive. I’m over the phone calls, after the ICU patient has left MRI and gone back to their unit, from some nurse telling us the patient is now positive for COVID and we have been exposed. I’ve had a COVID test, they suck. It should not still be this bad. As the leader of the free world, how have we let it get this bad? Why in God’s name have we let a virus become political?!

HUMAN LIFE IS BEING LOST!!!

Are other medical professionals struggling with this? Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, is anyone else on the frontlines having a hard time too? Feel free to leave a comment with how you’re feeling right now.

The frustration with University of Facebook

I’ve seen it. You’ve seen it.

The posts FULL of misinformation about COVID: who is most affected, how it’s spread, magical yet TOTALLY UNSUBSTANTIATED treatments, it’s enough to make a nurse want to flip a table!

I let go of Facebook years ago because of the stuff I would see on my time line. People seem to think that if someone says that someone major said it, it must be true! They offer no evidence, no background information, no research data, just whatever they think is true. And goodness, do NOT try to provide evidenced based information about why what they said isn’t true, then you’re a “sheep” or you’re gullible.

Think about that: you’re gullible for looking up evidence, but they aren’t gullible for placing their faith in a Facebook post.

That’s where we are now, folks.

To all my nurses and other medical professionals, if your education is falling on deaf ears, let it go. You have done what you can do. Don’t waste your time arguing with people on so I media about how unsafe their posts are. It’s not worth it. Your sanity, however, is very worth it. Continue to be safe for yourself and continue to institute measures to keep your family safe. That’s your priority.

Have any of you seen something online that made you want to scream?

Exhausted

Does anyone come home exhausted from work? Not just physically exhausted but emotionally exhausted.

It feels like I pulled a 24 hour shift when I get home. I’m so tired, all I want to do is retreat from the world and sleep. Between the constant news about COVID 19, people refusing to wear masks, new outbreaks in states, more unarmed black people being murdered by cops, “Karen’s” throwing fits and calling the cops for nothing, children being caught in the crossfire of shootings, it’s all too much for me.

It feels like I’m overwhelmed all the time. I feel weighed down a lot.

So I decided to turn off the news, stay off social media, talk to my therapist, watch my nerd shows, and play my switch.

I am doing the things that help me relax and release the stress. I have a habit of carrying way too much weight on my shoulders. If I don’t let go, I just end up exhausted to the core.

How are you feeling? How do you release the stress?

I am a nurse… But I am black first.

I am watching the protests around this country and realizing just how little people knew about the racism that black people still experience. I have sat in my department and listened to people complain about the protests without understanding what it is we are protesting.

We want justice and equality as a people!

I quickly realized that while I will always be a nurse, which I have always seen as my identity, I am black first.

My mind goes back to all those times I’ve had patients hand me their trash because they thought I was EVS, even though I wear the same ciel blue as all their previous nurses. I go back to the times where my patient assumed I was the tech and my white tech was the nurse, and looked almost dismayed when my tech corrected them. I go back to being called “n*gger” multiple times by patients who saw no issue with using the word and fully meant it as an insult. I go back to being the only black nurse on a shift and not being included in conversations.

I realize that I am a nurse but I have always been black first.

I am proud to be black.

I am proud to be a nurse.

Both of those things are a part of me, they are intertwined.

Instead of being angry at comments based on ignorance of what is really happening, I have started educating my coworkers. I am speaking on the black experience in this country. I now speak up about what police mean to black individuals. I speak on our experiences. I talk to my coworkers about racism at its core.

I don’t want to be the “angry black woman”, I want to be the black woman that educates on the black perspective.

I am a black nurse, I carry black experiences, I will not carry them quietly.

Just my opinion…

So today an older patient came with his grandson who was translating for him. As the grandson sat in my waiting area while his grandfather was getting his test I witnessed an awkward convo, involving another person it sounded like this:

“He looks Indian!” (referring to the patient)

“Yeah I can see that, we are from Bangladesh.”

“How do you like America?”

“😐…oh I was born here 😑. I’m 21 so America is what I know, but I like it.”

Now, the person asking about where he was from (because he just couldn’t be from here) was an older person. I know that they tend to have a very narrow view of the world. I get that. However, I really hate it when people assume that people of foreign descent weren’t born here. He literally had no accent from any other country. He spoke English as well as any “red blooded American” I have ever met. It’s a bit backwards to me to think that because someone doesn’t look “Caucasian ” or “African American” they just have to be from some other country. We are a country with a multitude of nationalities, that’s what makes things so interesting. I just wish people would maybe think before they speak.

Addiction

Addiction is rough. I witness it with patients everyday.

I encountered a patient with necrosis in the arm and it’s not a small area of necrosis, it’s pretty much the whole forearm.

They still shoot up in that arm.

The addiction is so strong that they are willing to literally risk life and limb for a high.

It’s sad and disturbing.

It makes you realize just how strong addiction is. We in the medical field often blame the patient:

“Why won’t they quit?”

“They obviously don’t care!”

“They should know better!”

“They did this to themselves.”

I’ll admit, I’ve thought that about patients. I’ve been judgmental even when it’s my job not to be. I’ve generalized and stereotyped people.

I am calling myself out for it.

It’s not my place to judge, it’s my job to treat.

It’s not my job to wonder why a person is suffering from addiction, and they are suffering.

It’s not my job to scold and belittle a patient for being addicted.

It is my job to provide the best care I can. It is my job to connect them with substance abuse counseling if they want it. It is my job to provide as much education as possible. It is my job to be their nurse. I’ve got to remember that.

Stop! Rally time!

Monday we had a gun rights rally on the Capitol. It brought back memories…

Bad ones.

I was charge nurse the night of the Charlottesville riot. Some of the people that were hit by the maniac that drove through the crowd were on our unit. Knowing that hatred could drive someone to kill, knowing that an innocent woman died because of hatred, it killed me inside. As a black woman, I know all too well what hatred can do.

I just didn’t want to see it all happen again.

Luckily, the state was prepared this time and declared a “state of emergency” before the rally. This led to increased security and a ban on weapons on Capitol grounds. So far, the rally has not resulted in any injuries. Weapons were out and people were walking around in full tactical gear. That nut job Alex Jones even made an appearance.

No one has been hurt.

That’s what I care about most of all. No one was hurt. Everyone gets to go home and back to whatever “normal” life they have.

As a nurse, rallies, protests, hell even large gatherings have a different meaning to me. I see potential mass casualty. I see potential chaos. I see potential patients.

That day in Charlottesville fundamentally changed me.